When is it time to go to couple therapy?

A lot of couples wrestle with the decision to seek couple or marital therapy. Anita was unhappy that she and Chris fought, but he thought that all couples argued and she should not make it such a big deal. He did not want to involve a third party in their troubles. Thomas wanted Cassandra to go to marital therapy because they rarely had sex, but she was just fine with how things were. One spouse may not always see that their partner’s unhappiness reflects an underlying problem with how the couple functions as a unit.

No single factor will help a couple decide whether or not to seek therapy. Here are some things to consider:

Go to treatment before you and your partner are so bitter that one or both of you won’t be willing to make changes to improve your relationship. Recently one wife stated that she did not want to seek help because,

“All the couples we know who have gone to marital therapy have gotten divorced.”

Most couples simply wait too long. Partners become so hurt and self-righteous about their positions that they become unwilling to make changes in how they talk to and treat one another. Related to this is the idea that “We’re not doing that badly (as to need couples therapy).” Underlying that concern is the notion that to go to therapy means admitting defeat, admitting the significance of the problem, or worse yet, admitting blame for problems in the relationship.

Go to marital therapy when you want to have a happier relationship, not when it is the last thing you try before you give up. Your enemy in your attempt to improve your relationship is not your partner; it is hopelessness.

Go to therapy when you and your partner stop working as a team and instead are working against one another. A classic example of this is disagreement about child-rearing philosophies. Most parents can be caught off guard by challenges that some children present. When partners dig in and the goal becomes to convince one another that their ideas about parenting are “right,” the opportunity to take what is best from both partners’ ideas is lost. If this occurs, a therapist may be necessary to help the partners learn the skills of collaborative problem-solving.

Go to therapy when your disagreements or arguments are having a negative effect on your children. The parental relationship is the most powerful model of a relationship that children have. Children learn how to treat intimate partners and how they should be treated by their partners by watching their parents. If they see constant arguing or two people living separate lives, they will believe that this is how intimate relationships should be. Also, intense conflict or disengagement between parents threatens a child’s sense of security. Research suggests that parents in conflict tend to use poor and inconsistent child-rearing practices leading to anxiety, depression, disruptive behavior, and/or academic failure.

Go to therapy when you or your partner feel your needs are not being met, and this is leading to frequent arguments. These needs may include needs for (more) closeness (or distance, which couples are always negotiating), or different ways of talking about daily problems, and the need for more (or less) and different ways of lovemaking. Differences in needs between spouses do not mean a relationship is doomed—some differences in needs occur in every relationship. It is impossible for an individual to find a partner who is an exact match in every way, and often small differences become magnified over time.

When you and your partner take a long time to make up (or never make up) after an argument, it is time to get marital therapy. Consider this: when partners spend a great deal of time treating each other coldly, talking minimally, neither is experiencing the benefits of a relationship. These benefits include having fun, joking around, relaxing with one another, supporting one another, and having satisfying sex. Looked at another way, think about the time between when your arguments “flare-up” with angry words and the time you decide to bury the hatchet and stop feuding. For some couples, this period of time is several hours or a day, but for others, the feud continues for days or even weeks. Some partners never commit to end the fight or to solve the problem but maintain a resentful and negative attitude toward one another. This is a corrosive state that will end a marriage if the partners do not make changes.

There are many options for obtaining marital therapy including private practices, nonprofit institutes that specialize in couple and family therapy, and hospital based clinics. Referrals to therapists who are trained to conduct marital therapy can be found at http://www.abctcouples.org/ and www.therapistlocator.net/.

Check out Coming Back Together: A Guide to Successful Reintegration After Your Partner Returns from Military Deployment, by Steven L. Sayers, Ph.D.